James

This post is about a person called James. James is one of my housemates. Hello James!

James is also a very bad man, a prankster around the house. Banter and tomfoolery. Yesterday I was doing some housework. I moved some of my belongings out of my bedroom so that I could hoover it. When I opened my door again they had disappeared (thanks to James). After that I carried on with the housework and he had the audacity(!) to tell me how I was doing it wrong while he was sat on the sofa eating. James is also the person that wouldn't let me watch Deal or No Deal when I was going to be in the audience! And just the other day he turned the shower switch and light off while I was using it and refused to turn it back on. I had to risk my life(!) getting out of a dark, wet shower to turn it back on.

If that's what he does just to me imagine how annoyed my other housemates must be at him. Naturally it was time for payback. Let me tell you all about it:

Phase 1: Housemate May was also peeved at James' high-jinx. To get revenge, May took to James' kitchen cupboard and moved his crockery to a different — more confusing — shelf. This left James slightly disoriented but otherwise was not very effective.

Phase 2: James came to my bedroom to talk about fitness and inform me of a cool new sit-up technique. Sly old me asked James to demonstrate the sit-up, and sure enough he got down on my floor to demonstrate. Immediately I grabbed my camera to take a most-embarrassing snap of James crunching on my floor. Unfortunately, he noticed too soon and the plan had to be abandoned.

Phase 3: May tried to get ahead again by leaning out of our bathroom window and spraying James' window with shaving foam after throwing some old toilet-rolls into his open window. This almost worked! But James' soon got his revenge; poor May:

Phase 4: My turn again. Four of us were in the lounge having a nice conversation when suddenly I decided that I didn't like James' face. I grabbed two pillows from the sofas and repeatedly beat him with them whilst shouting "I'm not a violent man, James!" Surprisingly this didn't work. Instead he just laughed at me and I felt much less intimidating inside.

Phase 5: May and I had finally had enough. We decided to join forces to combat this beast. I marched into the lounge where James was predictably sitting on the sofa eating and watching telly. I kicked over his glass of drink that was on the floor (that was actually an accident...) I apologised (I wasn't sorry though) and he told me "It's fine, just clean it up" to which I replied "That's the problem, though. I'm not going to clean it up." He heaved himself up and walked to the kitchen, carrying his plate of food. May was already waiting for him and he kicked James' legs in an attempt to trip him up. This was the final straw! James got very angry and threw (dropped) his fork and started shouting abuse! I'm pretty sure he started crying a little too, but he'll probably deny that.

Success! Another barbarian put in his place by the two Rich's! (May's first name is Rich). That'll learn him!